A Review of the movie ‘Pompeii’ (2014)

My review of the movie ‘Pompeii’ (2014).

2014 is the date of the film, not the date of the review. It’s 2015 as I write this review.

This film stars Jon Snow, of the Knights of Watch. How he ended up in Pompeii is beyond me. I think it’s because the Romans showed up at Winterfell and killed his parents, Mr and Mrs No-Lines.

Kiefer Sutherland is also in this movie, very-nearly doing the same thing as lots of of veteran actors in movies like this and over-acting joyfully. But his over-acting isn’t joyful, it just makes me feel like he’s not a very good actor.

Jared Harris is also in this film. Jared Harris is great but not in this film because he doesn’t do very much.

Carrie-Anne-Moss has her name in the credits. She has five lines. Apparently she had more scenes but they were cut. Possibly because they were just her saying “Don’t. Fuck. With. Aria.” over and over again.

Mr. Eko is in this film. He plays Black Man Near Retirement. Surprisingly, Mel Gibson is not in this film, which is surprising as a lot of non-Christians get killed in this film and I would have thought he’d be well up for that.

jonsnow
Corrrr. True story, Jon Snow’s abs got more development than most of the characters in this film.

This film is like a disaster movie mixed with a history movie. Specifically, it is like ‘Titanic’ mixed with ‘Gladiator’. What I mean by that is that, I believe the director took all of the odd-numbered pages of the ‘Titanic’ screenplay, all of the even-numbered pages of the ‘Gladiator’ script and stapled them together. I think after that he called it a day and went to the pub. He probably had a shandy. Or a Pimms.

Other things that this film “draws inspiration from” (in the same way that photocopiers “draw inspiration from” the original document) include, but are not limited to, ‘300’, ‘Game of Thrones’, and getting Chlamydia from a toilet seat.

The music is very nice. In fact, a song from this film appeared on my Spotify ‘Discover Weekly’ playlist, which is why I watched this film. I have since sent several letters of complaint to Spotify. I have not sent any letters to the makers of this film as I do not believe many of them can read.

In actual fact, this film is not terrible. I could very much enjoy watching this film whilst drinking with friends, doing something else or being in another room. This film is better than both ‘Immortals’ and ‘In Time’. It’s probably better than both of them put together.

The most consistent character in this film was the Volcano. It had the fewest random motivations and character decisions. Even the horses in this film did silly things. And they’re horses. All they have to do is be horsey. How do you fuck up being a horse?

This film found a way.

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