A Review of ‘Batman v Superman’ (2015)

I was not particularly fond of ‘Man of Steel’ – indeed, I felt it was one of the worst things since sliced bread buttered with salmonella. However, I am aware that it was fairly successful, so I was surprised wen its sequel, ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice’, came out with so little aplomb – just a couple of teaser trailers before widespread release at the beginning of the month.

batman-v-superman-dawn-of-justice
The three things this movie is about: Batman, Superman, and sunrises. Not pictured: Justice.

I should confess, I didn’t exactly watch this film legitimately – indeed, I watched it on Youtube.com. I’m not proud of this, but it was the only place I could find it to watch it – none of the local cinemas were showing it, which was also baffling given how big a budget it must have had – I would have expected at least one or two major cities to be showing it somewhere.

Anyway, if you do get a chance to watch it on the big screen, I would recommend it. The Youtube upload I watched has likely been taken down by now, and the special effects are definitely worthy of the


 

Look, fuck it. You get the joke by now. Warner Brothers and DC have, in their wisdom, released the entire fucking film in the form of a two-minute trailer. From start to finish, they have revealed every key scene and plot development that the audience is going to find interesting.

The only thing we don’t see is the climax, but given it’s called “Superman v Batman’ and the only other character revealed only arrives in the final fight scene, and that this is the beginning of DC’s own fucking ‘Justice League’ franchise, we can be pretty fucking sure that they’re not going to pull off anything bold like having the good guys lose this one.

Seriously, go and watch the ‘Dawn of Justice’ trailer and try to pretend, with a straight face, that you now don’t understand in very specific terms the plot of the movie. I’m actually going to hold myself above the publishers here and NOT describe it all, because fuck it, there ought to be some fucking mystery left in the world.

Y’know, J. J. Abrams managed to convince himself that he’d convinced us that we had no idea who Benedict Cumberbatch’s character really was in ‘Star Trek: Into Darkness’, at least he was bloody trying to hold something back, unlike Mr. Zack “Slow It Down, Now Speed It Up Again” Snyder.

If J. J. Abrams were being interrogated for state secrets, you can bet you could run 10,000 volts between his gonads before he’d even confirm his name – sat next to him, Zack “My Movies Empower Women” Snyder would be blubbering uncontrollably whilst writing down the names and addresses of every allied agent East of Paris as soon as a guard lit a cigarette.

I mean, movie trailers are meant to tease and excite you, get you eager to see what’s still hidden from view – they’re the opening act of a striptease. You don’t start a striptease by dropping all your clothes in the first ten seconds and then slapping your client around the face with your genitals.

At least, I don’t.

 

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