In a landmark press conference held yesterday, the International Paralympic Committee, or IPC, announced that it will ban all athletes from both the Galactic Empire and the First Order. The press release is in full, below:
Statement issued by Committee President Phil Corvin
Following intense deliberation and discussion, the IPC has decided that no athletes from either the Galactic Empire or the First Order will be allowed to participate in any of the 2016 Rio Paralympic events in a month’s time. Whilst we appreciate that many athletes will be disappointed with this decision, the IPC can not ignore the corrupt practices and totally compromised ethical standards exhibited by either regime.
We are dedicated to enabling Paralympic athletes to achieve sporting excellence, but in some cases the behaviour of Imperial competitors has been completely unsporting and absolutely divergent from the spirit of the Paralympic Games. One Imperial hopeful, Darth Vader, a triple amputee, uses aggressive intimidation techniques, bullies other competitors verbally and physically, and is currently under investigation following a series of choking incidents affecting umpires who have presided over previous competitions, although we should stress that no evidence has yet been found of physical assault.
Meanwhile the First Order has also proven lacking in sporting integrity. For example, we have already been forced to reject the application of one of its highest profile athletes, one Kylo Ren. His unfortunate condition of being “constantly torn to pieces between the weakness of the Light and the Power of the Dark Side” does not count as a physical disability at all and, whilst the IPC believes that mental health issues are an important subject globally, the fact that he is “completely fucking batshit” according to the supporting testimonies of many of his colleagues does not count as an intellectual disability of any kind in the eyes of most modern psychiatrists and neurologists.
It is always a sad day for athleticism when passionate athletes are prevented from competing due to the gross misconduct of others, but we stand by our decision and refuse to respond to or acknowledge any threats leveled against the IPC, or indeed the existence of the planet Earth itself, in light of this announcement.
We are still reviewing the circumstances of the Rebellion’s application, and whilst we would be happy to include a notable amputee such as Luke Skywalker in the gymnastics competitions, it is of paramount importance that applicants carry out their due diligence and supply all of their identification and documentation in full and on time, so that the games can run as smoothly as possible. However, it has just come to our attention that we do not in fact need to see Mr Skywalker’s identification at this time, and he is free to go about his business. Move along. Move along.