BREAKING: Footage of HEROIC POLITICIAN Bravely Tackling JAPANESE TERRORIST To The Ground

FOOTAGE HAS EMERGED of a British politician and former cabinet member bravely tackling a violent, and potentially armed, Japanese terrorist to the ground.

Alexander Johnson, MP for Uxbridge And South Ruislip and formerly of the Foreign Office, was engaging in an international trade mission to Japan on behalf of the British Empire, when he was forced to courageously incapacitate a dangerous suspected terrorist.

Please note that the following footage depicts violence and scenes of a disturbing nature:

After the incident, Johnson claimed he was acting with instinct more than he was taking any kind of measured response, and that he was “fully convinced” that the violent terrorist was armed, and posed a “genuine threat” to other members of the trade delegation, and to the members of the public in attendance.

Whilst some have claimed that Johnson acted in a needlessly violent manner, and that his use of force was “entirely unjustified”, others have defended his actions, and even praised him for his decisive bravery.

Minister Of State Mark Field, MP, said:

“[Johnson] clearly did exactly what needed to be done in the heat of the moment. How else can we expect our political leaders to behave when confronted with a visibly armed assailant? People rarely understand the level of danger politicians, especially ministers, frequently find themselves in, and as a result it is often completely necessary to engage with and attempt to incapacitate any threat to the people around us. Everyday heroism, such as that of my esteemed colleague during his mission to Tokyo, is truly inspirational, and this serves as a reminder of how close those of us in the political class come to injury and death on a daily basis.”

Nonetheless, there have already been calls from the Labour opposition for Johnson to be suspended from office, with arguments being made that Britain should be represented overseas by a negotiator and a statesperson, and not a violent and unpredictable upper-class hooligan.

In any case, it seems Johnson will be honoured by the Conservative party for his actions against terrorism, and he will doubtless be remembered for years to come alongside similarly iconic acts of heroism, including:

  • Jonathan Aitken, who valiantly battled on behalf of truth and integrity in journalism
  • Jeffrey Archer, who also steadfastly fought to hold corrupt, and probably armed, journalists accountable for their lies
  • David Cameron, who made profound and and unflinching statements about unethical practices in the pork industry during his time as a student
  • Theresa May, who dedicated her youth to tackling the threat posed by dangerous, and potentially armed, members of the Triticum Aestivum¬†terrorist cell

It is unknown if this incident will have any impact on Johnson’s candidacy in the upcoming Conservative Party leadership election – political pundits are uncertain of the possible effect of the above footage on the career of a man who owes his existing political career to a vaguely memorable performance on a satirical panel show.

BREAKING: BBC News Presenter Apologises For Referring To Jeremy Cunt By Real Name, Compounds Error

Following a controversial blooper on live TV yesterday morning, BBC News presenter Dale Cartwright has apologised unreservedly for referring to Foreign Secretary Jeremy Cunt by his real name.

Audiences were shocked when Cartwright accidentally said the ‘H’-word during the Current Affairs segment of ‘Wake Up Call’, the mid-morning show presented by Cartwright and his colleague Sheila Digby.

Cartwright was reading from an autocue and describing the current state of the Conservative leadership contest, in which the Foreign Secretary is a current contender. As spoken by Cartwright himself:

“… Boris Johnson may be the current favourite, but one of his main rivals Jeremy H*** expressed serious misgivings about the former Mayor of London’s track record.”

Cartwright only realised his mistake after seeing the look of shock on co-host Sheila Digby’s face, and it can only be assumed that the rest of the production crew were similarly shocked at such an appalling slip-up on live broadcast television.

Cartwright used today’s edition of the show to apologise for his blunder, and to attempt to soothe any offence he may have caused:

“I want to use this opportunity to apologise, without reservation, for such a dreadful mistake to have made. It was never my intention to expose anyone, least of all the many children who may have been watching, to such disgusting behaviour. Jeremy Cunt’s name should never be spoken aloud, and my years of experience and media training have sadly failed me.

“But worst of all, I have failed you, our audience, and the British people, by granting Mr Cunt the dignity of using his real name.”

Co-host Digby reassured Cartwright, and thanked him on behalf of the audience for his sincerity and accountability. She agreed that such prominent politicians as Jeremy Cunt should never be given the respect they think they deserve, and she expressed hope that everyone can move on from this terrible lapse and return to combating austerity and fighting to support the NHS, which Mr Cunt so determinedly attempted to sabotage during his tenure as Health Secretary.

Sadly, Cartwright compounded his blunder as the show moved onto its next item:

“Now that we’ve put the business of Jeremy H*** behind-

“Oh fuck, I’ve done it again.”

With a second offence now on his record, it is suspected that Dale Cartwright will be facing disciplinary action by senior management at the BBC. What this means for his career moving forwards is unknown, but it may end up as a stark warning to other members of the News team to avoid the topic of Jeremy Cunt altogether, lest they fall into the same trap of accidentally saying his actual name.

The ULTIMATE Crossover: The Hogwarts Houses Of Your Favourite Star Trek Characters!

The results are in! The Sorting Hat has spoken! Starfleet’s best have been Sorted!

In the world of J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter, students at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry get sorted into one of four houses – brave Gryffindor, cunning Ravenclaw, caring Hufflepuff or ambitious Slytherin.

sortinghat

If you’re a Harry Potter super-fan, you probably already know which house you’d be in – but what about some of your favourite fictional characters?

For all of you Star Trek-lovers out there, we decided to try and figure out just which Hogwarts House some of the most iconic Trek characters would be sorted into. Will they Gryffindor-ly go where no Wizard has gone before?

Let’s find out!


Sylvia Tilly

tillygoggles

Tilly has been a big hit with Star Trek fans since her introduction in ‘Star Trek: Discovery’, and has established herself as a firm fan favourite! But how would she get on in Hogwarts?

Well, we think Tilly is a classic Hufflepuff! She’s warm, kind, and she loves to look out for her friends. She’s always optimistic and thoughtful, and she always works hard and treats everyone she meets fairly.

The Sorting Hate Says: Hufflepuff!


Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy

McCoy01

Bones has been a grumbling, grouchy, lovable icon of Star Trek since the very beginning, and almost everyone is familiar with his forthright demeanour and his oft-recalled catchphrase “I’m a doctor, not a…”

McCoy’s medical credentials make him a firm fit for Ravenclaw. But his devotion to healing, his unswerving loyalty to Kirk, Spock and the crew of the Enterprise, and his fondness for just sitting down with a good bottle of something strong and shooting the breeze with and old friend make him the perfect candidate for one house in particular.

The Sorting Hat Says: Hufflepuff!


Benjamin Sisko

sikso-pointngjpg

Ben Sisko is the third captain (or should we say commander?) to get his own series, and he’s one of the more popular captains owing to his complexity and the strong values he represents.

On the one hand, Sisko’s incredibly brave, like a Gryffindor, but he also has an intellectual side, and a degree of cunning. But ultimately, his most defining traits were his love of his family and his friends, his passion for cooking, and a tireless work ethic coupled with generosity and a firm belief in playing fair and being honest. Which leads to only one real choice…

The Sorting Hat Says: Hufflepuff!


Kathryn Janeway

janeway

Captain Janeway was Trek’s first female captain to get her own series, and she made quite the impression. Her cool head, focused intellect and ingenious solutions to complicated problems made her stand out as one of Starfleet’s finest.

Janeway was fearless under fire, and never afraid to confront an injustice. That said, we often see her enjoying her homely comforts – a good pot of coffee, a nice hot bath, an intriguing period holonovel. She always made sure to take care of all of her crew, even going so far as to personally take time out to help three lower decks officers who were struggling to fit in. It’s these kinds of traits that really left a mark, and that defined her most as a character.

The Sorting Hat Says: Hufflepuff!


Jean Luc Picard

picard2

With his fine, clipped accent, assertive leadership style and unwavering determination, there is no equal to the likes of Jean Luc Picard. Captain of the Enterprise through all of The Next Generation (and now getting his own show!) Picard is one of the most recognisable and widely-loved characters from all of Star Trek.

Picard really could go to any House- he’s bold and courageous like any good Gryffindor, but also ambitious, and calculating when necessary, as would be expected of a Slytherin. He’s academic, studious and focused. But at heart, he’s a noble gentleman with refined tastes. From classical music to his favourite drink – tea, Earl Grey, hot! From his dedication to archaeology to his tireless diligence, from his speeches on honesty and fairness to his absolute and flawless loyalty to his crew, there can only really be one House where Picard would truly find his potential.

The Sorting Hat Says: Hufflepuff!


Spock

spock1

If there is one character that is synonymous with Star Trek, it’s got to be Mr. Spock. Every aspect of his appearance, from his ears to his hair to his eyebrows, is woven into the legacy of Star Trek. His philosophies and his Logic are part of Star Trek’s soul, and we wouldn’t have it any other way!

A being of logic, learning, ingenuity and rationality, it’s pretty clear straight away where Spock belongs in Hogwarts. Whether he’s playing his Vulcan lute to entertain his shipmates, decorating his quarters with beautiful artwork, or just sitting around a campfire and singing old songs with old friends, you probably don’t need us to tell you to which House Spock belongs…

The Sorting Hat Says: Hufflepuff!


Quark

quark1

Arguably one of Trek’s most successful break-out characters, Quark is a bit of an oddball. A Ferengi to the core, Quark is defined best by his bar aboard Deep Space Nine, and by his family – Nog, Rom and Ishka (or “Moogie”) who frequently drive him up the wall – but whom he nevertheless remains loyal to.

Quark’s a bit devious at times, and ambitious to a fault. But he works hard, and is dedicated to the comfort and enjoyment of his customers.

But with all that said, at his core, Quark is bold, and ready to stand up for what he truly believe is right. Time and again he overcomes his fears, sticking his neck out to save the Ferengi economy, fighting for his Klingon bride, even taking on the brutal Jem’Hadar when he needs to. For all of these reasons, we think there’s only one place for Quark.

The Sorting Hat Says: Gryffindor!


That’s all we’ve got time for today! We hope you enjoyed our take on Star Trek Hogwarts Houses!

Didn’t see your favourite character here? Think a different House would suit one of the characters above? Let us know in the comments section! We’d love to hear your thoughts!

International Paralympic Committee Places Blanket Ban on Galactic Empire, First Order

In a landmark press conference held yesterday, the International Paralympic Committee, or IPC, announced that it will ban all athletes from both the Galactic Empire and the First Order. The press release is in full, below:

Statement issued by Committee President Phil Corvin

Following intense deliberation and discussion, the IPC has decided that no athletes from either the Galactic Empire or the First Order will be allowed to participate in any of the 2016 Rio Paralympic events in a month’s time. Whilst we appreciate that many athletes will be disappointed with this decision, the IPC can not ignore the corrupt practices and totally compromised ethical standards exhibited by either regime.

We are dedicated to enabling Paralympic athletes to achieve sporting excellence, but in some cases the behaviour of Imperial competitors has been completely unsporting and absolutely divergent from the spirit of the Paralympic Games. One Imperial hopeful, Darth Vader, a triple amputee, uses aggressive intimidation techniques, bullies other competitors verbally and physically, and is currently under investigation following a series of choking incidents affecting umpires who have presided over previous competitions, although we should stress that no evidence has yet been found of physical assault.

Meanwhile the First Order has also proven lacking in sporting integrity. For example, we have already been forced to reject the application of¬†one of its highest profile athletes, one Kylo Ren. His unfortunate condition of being “constantly torn to pieces between the weakness of the Light and the Power of the Dark Side” does not count as a physical disability at all and, whilst the IPC believes that mental health issues are an important subject globally, the fact that he is “completely fucking batshit” according to the supporting testimonies of many of his colleagues does not count as an intellectual disability of any kind in the eyes of most modern psychiatrists and neurologists.

It is always a sad day for athleticism when passionate athletes are prevented from competing due to the gross misconduct of others, but we stand by our decision and refuse to respond to or acknowledge any threats leveled against the IPC, or indeed the existence of the planet Earth itself, in light of this announcement.

We are still reviewing the circumstances of the Rebellion’s application, and whilst we would be happy to include a notable amputee such as Luke Skywalker in the gymnastics competitions, it is of paramount importance that applicants carry out their due diligence and supply all of their identification and documentation in full and on time, so that the games can run as smoothly as possible. However, it has just come to our attention that we do not in fact need to see Mr Skywalker’s identification at this time, and he is free to go about his business. Move along. Move along.