A Review of ‘Pacific Rim’ (2013)

Okay, cards on table, I really, really want to like this film. Almost every individual component of this film works for me. The effects, the soundtrack, the cast, the robots, the monsters. It’s all great.

But in the same way that Grenadine, Jägermeister, Glenfiddich and Lemsip are all amazing in their own way, they just don’t work together. In Pacific Rim, even individual cast members manage to pull off great performances that are in no way compatible with the performances of their colleagues.

For that reason, ‘Pacific Rim’ makes me sad.

For example, WHY are Idris Elba and Charlie Day in the same movie? Elba is always wonderful. I love him. He’s the acting equivalent of a duvet on a rainy winter day, if duvets were angry and terrifying. He brings a smouldering intensity to every scene, and that doesn’t work with Day’s glorious comical style.

It’s like mixing horse manure with an atom bomb. One of them is good for growing crops; the other is good for destroying enemy cities. If I have both at the same time, I just feel disgusted and anxious.

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God’s most magnificent creation. He spent more time trimming those pristine handlebars than the screen-writers did on the entire fucking script.

Even the fight scenes make me feel ambivalent. Lashing rain at night is awesome for setting a dark, moody tone. When giant robots with rocket-fists fight big wobbly space monsters, my emotional tone is not DARK AND MOODY.

Jesus, all I want to do is see some fucking robots punching some fucking monsters. But the robots are dark-grey, and the monsters are dark-brown, and the backgrounds are all dark-blue, SO I CAN’T SEE SHIT. The ‘Mona Lisa’ isn’t on display behind frosted glass, so why do all of my MONSTER FIGHTS HAPPEN IN THE FUCKING DARK. Christ.

Oh yeah, here we go, my favourite fucking scene, Idris stands on the foot of his Yeegeger and gets his acting chops out and delivers this amazing, rousing, exciting, fucking “CANCELLING THE APOCALYPSE” speech to the assembled troops. But all the people fighting are stood behind him, and the people he’s addressing are the plumbers and electricians who have ALREADY DONE THEIR FUCKING JOBS, WHY DO THEY NEED MOTIVATING IDRIS, WHY? OH YEAH, GONNA MAKE A REAL DIFFERENCE THAT DEREK OVER THERE WITH THE WRENCH HEARD THAT SPEECH AS HE SITS ON A BOX PLAYING CARDS AND LISTENING TO THE RADIO. FUCK.

God, I mean, okay, so the EMP blast shuts down the whole base, but it’s fine because Randy Loggins or whatever the fuck his name is says that the big stompy robot from the opening scene is “analogue” because she has a nuclear reactor or something, BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS, WHAT ABOUT ALL THE COMPUTER SCREENS, THEY’RE NOT ALL PAL-ENCODED YOU DRIBBLING MORON, HEY, GOOD LUCK MANAGING A NUCLEAR REACTOR WITH GEARS AND PULLEYS YOU COLOSSAL FUCKING TROGLODYTE.

Yeah, that’s right ‘Pacific Rim’, keep painting the Australian dude as the bad guy, even though he’s FUCKING RIGHT ALL OF THE TIME YOU USELESS CUNTS. Every time he calls out Bally Furtrade and Kimiko Bluehair on being shit he’s fucking right, they are shit, they nearly blow up the fucking base for fuck’s sakes! Why’s he the one being framed as the douche? Bellends.

Oh, the sword, THE SWORD, MY FRIENDS. Cool as fuck, completely inexhaustible, kills monsters in a single sweep, AND YOU ONLY JUST USED IT NOW??? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU MORONS? ACTUALLY, DON’T ANSWER THAT, WE’LL BE HERE ALL FUCKING NIGHT. I MEAN REALLY, YOU PUT THE SWORD IN THE MONSTERS AND IT KILLS THE MONSTERS. USE THE SWORD! USE THE FUCKING SWORD!!! WHAT, DID YOU FORGET? DID YOU BOTH FORGET ABOUT IT? DID ALL THE PEOPLE AT THE BASE FORGET TOO? IF YOU’RE THE BEST HUMANITY’S GOT THEN WE DESERVE EXTINCTION. THE APOCALYPSE WASN’T CANCELLED, IT WAS JUST POSTPONED. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

FUCK.

Fuck.

I mean, this wasn’t the worst movie of 2013, not by a long shot, and it’d be fun with mates and snacks on a big wide-screen TV after pizza and beer. Y’know, end-of-the-night, it’s two in the morning but you’re all still buzzing.

Just don’t watch it for the plot. It’s like reading the comments section of a popular news article. You think you’ll be able to stay objective, but you’re just going to end up angry.

 

 

A Review of the movie ‘Pompeii’ (2014)

My review of the movie ‘Pompeii’ (2014).

2014 is the date of the film, not the date of the review. It’s 2015 as I write this review.

This film stars Jon Snow, of the Knights of Watch. How he ended up in Pompeii is beyond me. I think it’s because the Romans showed up at Winterfell and killed his parents, Mr and Mrs No-Lines.

Kiefer Sutherland is also in this movie, very-nearly doing the same thing as lots of of veteran actors in movies like this and over-acting joyfully. But his over-acting isn’t joyful, it just makes me feel like he’s not a very good actor.

Jared Harris is also in this film. Jared Harris is great but not in this film because he doesn’t do very much.

Carrie-Anne-Moss has her name in the credits. She has five lines. Apparently she had more scenes but they were cut. Possibly because they were just her saying “Don’t. Fuck. With. Aria.” over and over again.

Mr. Eko is in this film. He plays Black Man Near Retirement. Surprisingly, Mel Gibson is not in this film, which is surprising as a lot of non-Christians get killed in this film and I would have thought he’d be well up for that.

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Corrrr. True story, Jon Snow’s abs got more development than most of the characters in this film.

This film is like a disaster movie mixed with a history movie. Specifically, it is like ‘Titanic’ mixed with ‘Gladiator’. What I mean by that is that, I believe the director took all of the odd-numbered pages of the ‘Titanic’ screenplay, all of the even-numbered pages of the ‘Gladiator’ script and stapled them together. I think after that he called it a day and went to the pub. He probably had a shandy. Or a Pimms.

Other things that this film “draws inspiration from” (in the same way that photocopiers “draw inspiration from” the original document) include, but are not limited to, ‘300’, ‘Game of Thrones’, and getting Chlamydia from a toilet seat.

The music is very nice. In fact, a song from this film appeared on my Spotify ‘Discover Weekly’ playlist, which is why I watched this film. I have since sent several letters of complaint to Spotify. I have not sent any letters to the makers of this film as I do not believe many of them can read.

In actual fact, this film is not terrible. I could very much enjoy watching this film whilst drinking with friends, doing something else or being in another room. This film is better than both ‘Immortals’ and ‘In Time’. It’s probably better than both of them put together.

The most consistent character in this film was the Volcano. It had the fewest random motivations and character decisions. Even the horses in this film did silly things. And they’re horses. All they have to do is be horsey. How do you fuck up being a horse?

This film found a way.