1. Compelling Characters
You may be used to Star Trek having characters with complex and intriguing arcs, such as ‘Next Gen’s Data and his bid to become human, or ‘Voyager’s The Doctor as he tries to expand beyond his programming. Or maybe even the entire cast of ‘Deep Space Nine’, with their varied and complex backstories that formed the basis of a lot of drama.
But there’s none of that nonsense with ‘Discovery’. You don’t need to worry about caring about these people, as they will all manage to repel or bore you sufficiently that you can watch the show comfortably in the safety of a vague sense of detachment and emotional emptiness. Will Stamets survive this latest threat? Who cares! He only talks about mushrooms anyway. Concerned about Lorca’s descent into madness? Of course you aren’t! He never developed a personality beyond “war person” in the first place.
You may have noticed a growing trend over the last eighty years or so of movies and television shows conveying some of their meaning and significance without actually having a character state it openly. Sometimes, a silent look will suggest that a relationship is falling apart. Subtle changes in body language might imply that a character is behaving out of sorts.
Fortunately, you don’t need to keep track of these pointless details in ‘Star Trek: Discovery’. If you’re ever not sure of a character’s intentions, don’t stress, they’ll usually explain everything to another character in explicit terms later in the episode – or sometimes within the same scene! Gone are the days of having to tire your brain out by inferring ideas based on non-verbal cues – now you can have everything explained to you without the need for comprehension!
And if it isn’t explicitly explained, don’t worry. That just means there’s a DRAMATIC TWIST coming up soon, so stay tuned! It will completely surprise you, so long as you are incapable of independent thought.
3. Complex Ideas
If you’re looking for simple, straight-forward problems with equally straight-forward solutions, then you’ve come to the right place. If you struggle to follow the loops and turns of ethical dilemmas, if abstract concepts such as the conflict between duty and loyalty befuddle your head, and the very notion of a no-win scenarios leaves you confused and ashamed, then this is the show for you.
Sick space tardigrade? Just say a prayer and fire it out the airlock! Need a new navigator, ’cause you just fired your last one out the airlock? Simply inject yourself with magic DNA! Need to unite a fractured empire? Start a war! Don’t worry about the justification, just open fire, everyone else will join you!
4. Watching It With Your Kids
It’s possible that you, like me, grew up on Star Trek. Whether it’s ‘The Next Generation’, ‘Voyager’, or even ‘The Original Series’ if you’re reeeaaalllyyyy old. All the amazing technology, the weird aliens, the cool ships, the heroism, all filling you with a sense of wonder, a passion for space travel and the endless possibilities it presents.
Fortunately, your own children will be spared that tedium. There’s no room for kids here! Between the lacerations, the torture, the facial burns, the psychological trauma, the torture, the implied rape, the cannibalism, the torture, the bloody stabbings, the swearing, the animal abuse, and don’t forget the torture, there’s absolutely zero chance of a child making it through a single episode without long-lasting emotional damage!
The storylines and characterisation may all be adolescent, but don’t you worry, the content is all adult, allof the time.
Remember the vision of the future that Star Trek once gave us? A time of technological and social enlightenment, where diverse crews worked together to overcome adversity in the face of exotic danger?
Well there’s none of that horseshit here, bucko! We all know that nobody wants to see that dreary, dull, boring advanced society. We want dark, gritty warfare, with prisoners of war being murdered in their cells, widespread hunger, civilisations on the brink and a return to the kind of Nazi science that even now is considered to be barbaric. We want bombing runs on civilians, we want nefarious motives and deceitful captains. Throw out your moral fortitude – everything is a shade of grey. Forget the unification of humanity – give us criminals and murderers and racists. The future is bright – with the fire of War.
6. An Inspiring Theme Tune
Any Trekkie worth their salt with be able to hum at least one of the theme tunes from the previous shows – even ‘Enterprise’s ‘Faith of the Heart’. But you can say goodbye to those irritating ear worms – ‘Discovery’s theme is so anonymous, its own composer can’t even remember how it goes! Atonal and subdued, there’s zero chance that this soporific non-melody will leave you in anything approaching a positive frame of mind – just like the show itself! And also in keeping with the show, as soon as the theme tune’s over you can completely forget about it and go about your day – what a refreshing change of pace!